Disclaimer: I am just being emotional, or well, just needed to let some things out. So don't bother to continue reading if, well, you don't want to know certain things about ol' me, or if you don't want to read a stupid emo post. Maybe i should dedicate this to the person who taught me the word 'emo'.
I just realized that I have a really bad inferiority complex. People may say that I am confident of myself and all especially when I'm having cca, but seriously its just a facade.
It took me two years to realize that I can dance passably well. My IP1 and 2 years in dance was not particularly fantastic. Whatever dance I attempted had a lot of parts which needed correcting, and my seniors would kindly teach me to make my steps better, yet none of their coaching seemed to be of much use as I still did not improve. No one imagine how I felt being left out of so many things that required the skill and technique, which I did not have. As my self-confidence went to a new low, my inferiority complex kicks in.
Having two sisters with amazing track records, I always felt useless. It didn't help that with my personality, this did not spur me on to work harder, but I actually accepted the fact that I could never measure up to them(which is stupid, but it still happened.) But then again, this is nobody's fault but my own.
Anyway, i'm diverting from the topic. Maybe I may have certain parts of me which is 'good', but they were never important. Important as in to my future. My academics are average, or actually, maybe even below average looking at my level. I make excuses (which again, I know is incredibly stupid) time and time again, and I just continuing being lazy and just continue doing what I like.
Apparently, my mum figures that I place my happiness above everything else. If I had to do something that I hated, despite it being vital for me to do, I would do something that made me happy. Again, I'm being incredibly idiotic for I'm just keep ranting on and on and i don't bloody change anything. Wait. I change, but too little and too slow.
My friends surrounding me in the past used to spur me to study, but now, I'm always with bruce and ha. They are fun to be with, but Ha is a scholar. She likes studying. As in she really is happy just doing her work! Her mugging is always way ahead of me. And then bruce. Big words but not much action. Even though he is helpful, but he doesn't motivate me to study. He actually makes me NOT want to study, so that he won't try to help me with the wrong information, which makes me more confused then ever.
But then again, I'm diverting from the topic. I was talking about cca. The J1's item has to be done by the showcase and I'm really worried. I don't know what I can do to help. I'm useless. Despite being nicknamed the 'sharpener' by Wanzhen, I don't do much. But I really hope that this act is able to get together so that it will not be scrapped from aristal.
By the way, ARISTAL IS COMING
All this events and more kind of caused me to sink to this emotional and depressing state, and I have decided that I will try to change. Slowly, but surely. PLUS, I will get a bloody A for Math in A-levels, so the math make-up lessons that I have (which makes me end school like at 1830) will not be a waste of my time.
Want to place a bet?
I will and I can. And I'll do it the way I practiced like 'hell' for dance just to improve. No one can understand the sadness I felt. No one can really understand how much I tried. But I know, and that is all that matters to me. I've decided not to be affected by what is going on around me and just do everything I'm tasked with and more, WELL.
The End.
Saturday, April 28, 2007